The Chad Mysterium

A Reading in One Act (actually, less) for 19 Voices and Chorus

by David H. Neal

This little play was inspired by Gore v Bush in the Supreme Court in 2000. Certain of the quotes of the Justices and Attorneys are taken from tapes of the Supreme Court proceedings, available on the Internet. Do not make assumptions about which quotes are real and which are made up. You may be surprised.

SOUTER: Over my dead body!

CHORUS: No cameras in the Court! No cameras in the Supreme Court!

RATHER: This is the people's business, but the Supreme Court is holding onto an ancient rule that prohibits cameras in Court proceedings. The idea is that cameras would challenge the Court's dignity. The Court's dignity is very important to it.

CHORUS: Cameras would lower the Court's dignity. It's an ancient principle. An ancient principle that we follow. Cameras would lower the dignity of this hallowed Court. Cameras! Cameras! No cameras in the Court. We must uphold the dignity of the Court. We shall follow the ancient principle.

NARRATOR: Behold the Supreme Court Building. Here come the citizens of the Nation to hear the wisdom of the Justices.

CHORUS: Behold the Supreme Court Building. See its white marble gleaming in the sun. Look at the Dorian Columns, rising as if to heaven. See the marble friezes and the statues of the hallowed ones.

NARRATOR: Behold the Parthenon, standing on Acropolis Hill. Here come the citizens of Athens to hear the wisdom of the Vestal Virgins.

CHORUS: Behold the Parthenon, the Parthenon standing on Acropolis Hill. See its white marble gleaming in the sun. Look at the Dorian Columns, rising as if to heaven. See the marble friezes and the statues of the hallowed ones.

NARRATOR: See the Vestal Virgins in the Parthenon. See them in their flowing robes. See them seated at the altar. See them attempt to divine the Will of the Oracle.

CHORUS: See the Vestal Virgins divine the Will of the Oracle. The people have come to hear the Will of the Oracle. The Will of the Oracle is supreme. The Will of the Oracle will guide the nation. The nation will be guided by the Will of the Oracle.

NARRATOR: See the Justices. See them in their flowing robes. See them seated behind the bench.

CHORUS: See the Justices. See them in their flowing robes. Be seated and be silent. Be seated and be silent. No cameras are allowed in the Court. We shall follow the ancient principle. We shall not lower the dignity of the Court.

MARSHAL: The Honorable, the Chief Justice and the Associate Justices of the Supreme Court of the United States. Oyaay! Oyaay! Oyaay! All persons having business before the Honorable Supreme Court of the United States are admonished to draw near and give their attention for the Court is now sitting. God save the United States and this Honorable Court.

CHORUS: God save the Honorable Court. Jupiter save the Vestal Virgins. God save the Vestal Virgins. Jupiter save the Honorable Court. Oyaay! Oyaay! Oyaay! Save the Virgins. Save the Justices. Save the Priests of the Honorable Court.

BOIES: If the Court please, we are gathered here to divine the Will of the People.

CHORUS: See the Priests divine the Will of the People.

THOMAS: No partisan politics here.

REHNQUIST: Absolutely! Absolutely!

JUSTICES (in unison): Oyaay! Oyaay! Oyaay! Hear now the Will of the People.

VESTAL VIRGINS (in unison): Hear now the Will of the Oracle.

CHORUS: Hear now the Will of the Oracle! Hear now the Will of the People! Hear now! Hear then! Hear me now and believe me later! Oyaay! Oyaay! Oyaay! Hear the Will! Hear the Will! Be silent and listen to the Will.

O'CONNOR: The people should be able to make their will heard by just following instructions, for goodness sake. How could it be simpler?

FIRST VESTAL VIRGIN: How do we find the Will of the Oracle?

OLSON: Your Honor, this isn't chicken entrails.

NARRATOR: See the Chief Vestal Virgin empty a clay pot filled with chicken entrails on the altar.

BREYER: What is the Chad?

BOIES: That's a very hard question.

GINSBURG: I know what it is.

NARRATOR: See Justice Ginsburg climb up on the bench.

GINSBURG: First, you jump to the Left, then you turn to the Right, then you shake it all about. And that's what I call Doin' the Chad.

NARRATOR: See all the Justices climb up on the bench.

JUSTICES (in unison): First, you jump to the Left, then you turn to the Right, then you shake it all about. And that’s what we call Doin’ the Chad.

GINSBURG: Antonin, you bumped me when you were shaking it all about.

SCALIA: Sorry, Ruthie.

GINSBURG: Do it again, Antonin.

KLOCK: I’m confused.

SCALIA: Mr. Klock, I’m Scalia.

CHIEF VESTAL VIRGIN (stirring entrails with her finger): We will learn the Will of the Oracle from these entrails.

SECOND VESTAL VIRGIN (looking up): I don’t see anything yet.

REHNQUIST: Just a minute, Mr. Boies.

NARRATOR: See the Chief Justice empty the box of chad recently arrived from Tallahassee on the bench.

REHNQUIST: We will learn the Will of the People from these chad.

OLSON: Your Honor, this isn’t chicken entrails.

REHNQUIST (stirring chad with his finger): You can say that again.

CHORUS: First, you jump to the Left, then you turn to the Right, then you shake it all about. And that’s what we call Doin’ the Chad.

GINSBURG: Who is this guy Chad and why is he pregnant?

O’CONNORl Mr. Boies, is this a pimpled chad?

BOIES: Your Honor, the term is dimpled, not pimpled.

O’CONNOR: Mr. Boies, people have dimples. How can a chad have dimples? This reminds me of a boy I knew in high school, but that’s another story.

BOIES: Your Honor, a dimple is created when the voter doesn’t achieve full penetration with his sylus.

GINSBURG: I just love it when you talk dirty.

SCALIA: Easy, Ruthie.

STEVENS: Am I to understand that a dimple in a chad reveals the Will of the Voter?

BOIES: Yes, Your Honor, the voter was attempting to achieve penetration with his stylus but failed.

GINSBURG: There he goes again.

KLOCK: But you don’t know that the voter was trying to vote just because he made a dimple. Maybe he was just playing with his stylus.

GINSBURG: I think I’m going to need a fan.

O’CONNOR: And what is a dangling chad?

GINSBURG: O my god, now she’s doing it.

THOMAS: What’s that? We’re going to hang Chad?

SOUTER: Go back to sleep, Clarence.

KENNEDY: What would account for a voter not being able to poke a needle through a piece of paper?

BOIES: The voter might simply be too weak. Another cause may be that the voter didn’t understand the instructions and lay the ballot on the table instead of inserting it in the throat of the voting machine.

KENNEDY: And you propose that we count these dimples as real votes?

BOIES: That’s correct, Your Honor.

KENNEDY: Isn’t that sort of leaving the selection of our president up to the weak and stupid?

O’CONNOR: How smart is that?

DR. SEUSS: Can I count them on my toes? Can I count them with my nose?

FIRST VESTAL VIRGIN: Does this dimple on the gizzard reveal the Will of the Oracle?

SECOND VESTAL VIRGIN: That’s just where Penelope poked it with her fingernail.

THIRD VESTAL VIRGIN: Did not!

SECOND VESTAL VIRGIN: Did so!

CHIEF VESTAL VIRGIN: Girls! Girls! Stop fighting! We must maintain the decorum and dignity of the Parthenon.

ALL (in unison): Oyaay! Oyaay! Oyaay! First, you jump to the Left, then you turn to the Right, then you shake it all about! And that’s what we call Doin’ the Chad! That’s what we call Doin’ the Chad!

REHNQUIST: The case is submitted.

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