The Chad Mysterium

A Reading in One Act (actually, less) for 19 Voices and Chorus

by David H. Neal

This little play was inspired by Gore v Bush in the Supreme Court in 2000. Certain of the quotes of the Justices and Attorneys are taken from tapes of the Supreme Court proceedings, available on the Internet. Do not make assumptions about which quotes are real and which are made up. You may be surprised.

SOUTER: Over my dead body!

CHORUS: No cameras in the Court! No cameras in the Supreme Court!

RATHER: This is the people's business, but the Supreme Court is holding onto an ancient rule that prohibits cameras in Court proceedings. The idea is that cameras would challenge the Court's dignity. The Court's dignity is very important to it.

CHORUS: Cameras would lower the Court's dignity. It's an ancient principle. An ancient principle that we follow. Cameras would lower the dignity of this hallowed Court. Cameras! Cameras! No cameras in the Court. We must uphold the dignity of the Court. We shall follow the ancient principle.

NARRATOR: Behold the Supreme Court Building. Here come the citizens of the Nation to hear the wisdom of the Justices.

CHORUS: Behold the Supreme Court Building. See its white marble gleaming in the sun. Look at the Dorian Columns, rising as if to heaven. See the marble friezes and the statues of the hallowed ones.

NARRATOR: Behold the Parthenon, standing on Acropolis Hill. Here come the citizens of Athens to hear the wisdom of the Vestal Virgins.

CHORUS: Behold the Parthenon, the Parthenon standing on Acropolis Hill. See its white marble gleaming in the sun. Look at the Dorian Columns, rising as if to heaven. See the marble friezes and the statues of the hallowed ones.

NARRATOR: See the Vestal Virgins in the Parthenon. See them in their flowing robes. See them seated at the altar. See them attempt to divine the Will of the Oracle.

CHORUS: See the Vestal Virgins divine the Will of the Oracle. The people have come to hear the Will of the Oracle. The Will of the Oracle is supreme. The Will of the Oracle will guide the nation. The nation will be guided by the Will of the Oracle.

NARRATOR: See the Justices. See them in their flowing robes. See them seated behind the bench.

CHORUS: See the Justices. See them in their flowing robes. Be seated and be silent. Be seated and be silent. No cameras are allowed in the Court. We shall follow the ancient principle. We shall not lower the dignity of the Court.

MARSHAL: The Honorable, the Chief Justice and the Associate Justices of the Supreme Court of the United States. Oyaay! Oyaay! Oyaay! All persons having business before the Honorable Supreme Court of the United States are admonished to draw near and give their attention for the Court is now sitting. God save the United States and this Honorable Court.

CHORUS: God save the Honorable Court. Jupiter save the Vestal Virgins. God save the Vestal Virgins. Jupiter save the Honorable Court. Oyaay! Oyaay! Oyaay! Save the Virgins. Save the Justices. Save the Priests of the Honorable Court.

BOIES: If the Court please, we are gathered here to divine the Will of the People.

CHORUS: See the Priests divine the Will of the People.

THOMAS: No partisan politics here.

REHNQUIST: Absolutely! Absolutely!

JUSTICES (in unison): Oyaay! Oyaay! Oyaay! Hear now the Will of the People.

VESTAL VIRGINS (in unison): Hear now the Will of the Oracle.

CHORUS: Hear now the Will of the Oracle! Hear now the Will of the People! Hear now! Hear then! Hear me now and believe me later! Oyaay! Oyaay! Oyaay! Hear the Will! Hear the Will! Be silent and listen to the Will.

O'CONNOR: The people should be able to make their will heard by just following instructions, for goodness sake. How could it be simpler?

FIRST VESTAL VIRGIN: How do we find the Will of the Oracle?

OLSON: Your Honor, this isn't chicken entrails.

NARRATOR: See the Chief Vestal Virgin empty a clay pot filled with chicken entrails on the altar.

BREYER: What is the Chad?

BOIES: That's a very hard question.

GINSBURG: I know what it is.

NARRATOR: See Justice Ginsburg climb up on the bench.

GINSBURG: First, you jump to the Left, then you turn to the Right, then you shake it all about. And that's what I call Doin' the Chad.

NARRATOR: See all the Justices climb up on the bench.

JUSTICES (in unison): First, you jump to the Left, then you turn to the Right, then you shake it all about. And that’s what we call Doin’ the Chad.

GINSBURG: Antonin, you bumped me when you were shaking it all about.

SCALIA: Sorry, Ruthie.

GINSBURG: Do it again, Antonin.

KLOCK: I’m confused.

SCALIA: Mr. Klock, I’m Scalia.

CHIEF VESTAL VIRGIN (stirring entrails with her finger): We will learn the Will of the Oracle from these entrails.

SECOND VESTAL VIRGIN (looking up): I don’t see anything yet.

REHNQUIST: Just a minute, Mr. Boies.

NARRATOR: See the Chief Justice empty the box of chad recently arrived from Tallahassee on the bench.

REHNQUIST: We will learn the Will of the People from these chad.

OLSON: Your Honor, this isn’t chicken entrails.

REHNQUIST (stirring chad with his finger): You can say that again.

CHORUS: First, you jump to the Left, then you turn to the Right, then you shake it all about. And that’s what we call Doin’ the Chad.

GINSBURG: Who is this guy Chad and why is he pregnant?

O’CONNORl Mr. Boies, is this a pimpled chad?

BOIES: Your Honor, the term is dimpled, not pimpled.

O’CONNOR: Mr. Boies, people have dimples. How can a chad have dimples? This reminds me of a boy I knew in high school, but that’s another story.

BOIES: Your Honor, a dimple is created when the voter doesn’t achieve full penetration with his sylus.

GINSBURG: I just love it when you talk dirty.

SCALIA: Easy, Ruthie.

STEVENS: Am I to understand that a dimple in a chad reveals the Will of the Voter?

BOIES: Yes, Your Honor, the voter was attempting to achieve penetration with his stylus but failed.

GINSBURG: There he goes again.

KLOCK: But you don’t know that the voter was trying to vote just because he made a dimple. Maybe he was just playing with his stylus.

GINSBURG: I think I’m going to need a fan.

O’CONNOR: And what is a dangling chad?

GINSBURG: O my god, now she’s doing it.

THOMAS: What’s that? We’re going to hang Chad?

SOUTER: Go back to sleep, Clarence.

KENNEDY: What would account for a voter not being able to poke a needle through a piece of paper?

BOIES: The voter might simply be too weak. Another cause may be that the voter didn’t understand the instructions and lay the ballot on the table instead of inserting it in the throat of the voting machine.

KENNEDY: And you propose that we count these dimples as real votes?

BOIES: That’s correct, Your Honor.

KENNEDY: Isn’t that sort of leaving the selection of our president up to the weak and stupid?

O’CONNOR: How smart is that?

DR. SEUSS: Can I count them on my toes? Can I count them with my nose?

FIRST VESTAL VIRGIN: Does this dimple on the gizzard reveal the Will of the Oracle?

SECOND VESTAL VIRGIN: That’s just where Penelope poked it with her fingernail.

THIRD VESTAL VIRGIN: Did not!

SECOND VESTAL VIRGIN: Did so!

CHIEF VESTAL VIRGIN: Girls! Girls! Stop fighting! We must maintain the decorum and dignity of the Parthenon.

ALL (in unison): Oyaay! Oyaay! Oyaay! First, you jump to the Left, then you turn to the Right, then you shake it all about! And that’s what we call Doin’ the Chad! That’s what we call Doin’ the Chad!

REHNQUIST: The case is submitted.

-30-

Midnight in the Office of Good and Evil

A Play in One Act (actually less) for two characters
by
David H. Neal

Scene: The Oval Office, shortly before midnight on Jan 19, 2001. The President’s desk holds an In basket with a large stack of papers in it and an Out basket with a much shorter stack. A silver cigar humidor and a table cigarette lighter also rest on the desk.

Characters: Bill Clinton, President of the United States
John Podesta, White House Chief of Staff

Bill Clinton, dressed in shorts, running shoes and tee shirt, is seated at the desk. He takes papers from the In basket, signs them and tosses them into the Out basket.

CLINTON: Whewee! These pardons are taking longer than I thought they would. I should be at a party somewhere instead of doing this! Hey, what’s this? A pardon for Marc Rich? Boy, they’re really pushing the envelope with him. I need a break to think about this one.

Clinton stands up from the desk and stretches and yawns. He takes a cigar from the humidor and lights it. Then he strolls about the office, admiring the furnishings and art. He stands on the Presidential Seal on the carpet and stares at it.

CLINTON: The Bush kid says he’s going to toss my beautiful royal blue carpet just because he doesn’t like the color. I’ll bet his favorite color is beige. How could a rational person do that? No other carpet could be as pretty. He seems to be fairly friendly but he’s still a bit of a snob. He might be willing to snort a line with me but he’d never join me in a stogie. He’d be afraid of taking the edges off his precious washboard abs. His lats are so well developed that he looks like a gorilla when he walks, his arms all stuck out flapping in the breeze. But he might make a good president if he spends as much time working as he does working out.

Podesta, dressed in a business suit, enters.

PODESTA: Still at it, Mr. President? Here it is nearly midnight on your last day.

CLINTON: Ah, the work never ends, John. I’ve got more pardons to sign than a dog has fleas.

Podesta looks around the office.

PODESTA: Well, eight years is about up. Some pretty exciting times. We did a lot of good in here, Mr. President.

CLINTON: That we did, John. A lot of Americans are better off today because of what we did here. We had a few screwups but by and large I think we leave this place better than we found it.

PODESTA: No question about it. You’ll really miss this place. How will you keep busy now?

CLINTON: Oh, the usual stuff, just like Reagan and Bush. I’ll make speeches and raise money and maybe write some books. I’ll have to do something to make money. I’ve got a Senator to support now.

Both laugh.

PODESTA: What do you think you’ll miss most? Your royal blue carpet or the power or just being here?

CLINTON: You know, John, I think I’ll miss the limelight more than anything else. I’ve gotten so used to being in the spotlight that I’m liable to feel naked without it.

PODESTA: I don’t see that as a problem. You’re the Elvis of politics. People will still be sighting you twenty years after you’re dead. Well, you’ve got the limelight sewed up for a few days at least. Your farewell speech at Andrews is longer than Bush’s Inaugural speech, and there’s all that stuff the first lady loaded into the moving van, not to mention that office in the Carnegie Tower.

Both laugh.

CLINTON: Yeah, but that’s just good for a little while. We’ll send back all that furniture as soon as the press notices it, and my speech at Andrews will be soon forgotten. I’ll give up the Manhatten office and bid on one in Harlem. That should be good for a few points. But all that stuff will soon pass. I need something that will hold the public’s attention for a long time, like maybe months.

PODESTA: Sorry, I can’t think of anything that might keep the press focused on you for that long. Are you seeing any interesting pardons come across?

CLINTON: You know, John, I never heard of half the people in that stack. One I noticed, though, was Marc Rich.

PODESTA: Marc Rich? How can you pardon Marc Rich? He’s a fugitive and a traitor and all sorts of other bad things. To coin a phrase, he’s a major league asshole.

CLINTON: Big time!

Both laugh.

CLINTON: Denise has given a lot of money to the party and my library, though, and the Jews seem to think he’s worth a pardon.

PODESTA: The press will jump all over you if you pardon him. The Republicans will probably try to impeach you again. Somebody will holler quid pro quo, considering all that money that Denise put out.

Clinton makes a humping motion with his hips.

CLINTON: Maybe I can give Denise some other sort of quid for her quo.

Both laugh.

PODESTA: Well, I better let you get back to work, Mr. President. It’s not long to the Bush kid’s Inaugural. You be careful with that Rich pardon. The public will raise hell if you do that. Sorry I can’t think of some way to keep you in the spotlight. Good night!

CLINTON: I’ll think of something. Have a good evening, John.

Podesta exits.

Clinton returns to reviewing the office and staring at the Presidential Seal on the carpet while alternately sucking on the cigar and rolling it in his fingers. Suddenly he smiles and makes a motion with his fist as if he were pulling a lever.

CLINTON: Kaching!

Clinton returns to the desk where he signs a paper and tosses it into the Out basket.

CLINTON: Enjoy your pardon, Marc, you worthless son of a bitch!

Curtain